


Not The Cereal!

by Thisisarealtagwhy



Category: One Piece
Genre: Assassins AU, BAMF! Straw Hats, Can't decide, Crack(ish), Death, Drug Use, Dw it's just Pot, F/F, Fluff, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, Mafia AU, Murder, Remember kiddos, Robin and Nami make a fucking awesome duo, based on a prompt, fite me, if you wanna hide a dead body, use drain cleaner and not acids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2019-04-05 02:37:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14034321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thisisarealtagwhy/pseuds/Thisisarealtagwhy
Summary: “Who wouldn’t be angry, you ate all of my cereal and faked your own death for three years!”In which the Straw Hat's are a feared and revered League of Assassins/Mafia (they haven't decided) and one of their members makes... drastic measures to keep the ones they love safe.(Lo and behold a gay assassins/mafia AU was born.)





	Not The Cereal!

**Author's Note:**

> Hooo boi, i can see all of my other WIPs glaring at me from their folder but whatever. Robin and Nami would be an awesome gay assassin duo, fite me on this.  
> I didn't even want to write this but here i am, it's where the prompt took me okay? I don't think i'll ever write any more for it except for maybe a Luffy backstory.. cmon guys, he wants one.  
> Nutri-grain? It's a badass cereal produced in Australia and New Zealand and lemme tell you, i love it, delicious. Packed full with sugars and all that jazz, it makes the _best_ cereal milk.  
>  Right, if you ever want to hide a body, use drain cleaner, not sulphuric acid or whatever, hint: it doesn't work, you've been force fed LIES, drain cleaner is sodium hydroxide and breaks down bodies better than anything else. I learnt it off my science teacher... or maybe a book, can't remember. Then there's the good ole Tumblr version of hiding a body by using an unregistered boat and killing them out on international waters.
> 
> Why do i know so much about hiding dead bodies? Call me an intrigued student. 
> 
> Anyways! Thank you to the lovely [MasterQwertster](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/4817237/MasterQwertster) for betaing!

“Who wouldn’t be angry, you ate all of my cereal and faked your own death for three years!” And well, that’s a sentence she never thought she’d have to utter.

“Now now, Nami, put down the knife and I’ll explain.” The woman is in her kitchen, atop her marble island, cereal boxes strewn about her, all of the milk clearly drunk and her favourite nutri-grain – which she _had_ to import from Australia – all gone! All eleven boxes!

“No! You ate all of my damn nutri-grain! Do you know how much they cost?” She demands, $8 a box + $20 shipping.

The woman shrugs noncommittally, “I was hungry, it’s been a long time since I could sit down and enjoy a bowl of cereal.”

“Well you must be having a fun time then!” She says, knife hand wavering.

The woman smiles, “I am now that you’re here. I’m sorry for faking my death all those years ago, there were… some things I had to do.”

“Things? Please tell me we don’t have to hide another body, the apartment _reeked_ for months.” It really had, even though it had gone down the bath with drain cleaner – don’t try and use any acids kiddos, use drain cleaner! And use cash! – the yucky mushy parts had stayed and left their black bath stinking.

The woman chuckles, “Not anymore, I already took care of it.”

“Did you use drain cleaner?”

“No, I was lucky enough to find an unregistered boat, it was as simple as dumping him in international waters, it will never be traced back to me.” She smiles.

Finally, Nami puts down the knife carefully, “So, what shadowy mastermind did you have to kill this time? You better have a good explanation, Robin.”

Robin smiles and languidly stretches her legs, disturbing the cereal boxes, “Well, there was a Warlord in Liberia that seemed to be gaining popularity, naturally he was in it for the money. But he was attempting to obscure his past deeds, so, I attempted to kill him. Obviously, things didn’t pan out according to plan and he threatened to kill you and everyone I love, yada yada.”

“Naturally.”

“Naturally, the next course of action was to fake my death, and thus, Nico Robin was no more…”

“God that sounds like next level teenager going-through-dark-times edgy.” Nami complains, grabbing the last abandoned bowl of cereal.

Robin tilts her head back and laughs heartily.

“Anyway, good to have you back Robin!” She says and tosses the knife carelessly up.

Without blinking, Robin catches it flat, balancing it on her pointer. “Thank you, Nami. Did I miss anything significant?”

Nami gasps, “You mean you _weren’t_ trying to micromanage us from behind the curtains?”

“Of course not… I was busy in Africa… the Warlord escaped through Côte d’lvoire into Ghana. It did take three years to take down his entire network.”

“You could’ve asked literally any of us, we woulda dropped work at the drop of a hat.” Nami comments, drinking down the delicious cereal milk. “Anyway, we’re all the same. Franky got some new upgrades, Luffy held down a real job for a month before he spilt coffee on some rich white girl. Sanji hired some more cooks to help us out. Usopp made some new kinda pot. Oh! And Chopper went to University early!”

“Really?” She knows how hard it is to enter into one of those, so it is no small feat.

“Yup, he was very proud of himself. I think he’s going to become a real doctor as a side-job.” Nami ponders.

“Yes, how is work?”

“Which one?” She asks in amusement. “My internship or the other, shadier one?”

“You know which one.”

“Well, it’s been kinda busy. The worlds’ getting a whole lot crazier, it just feels like history’s repeating itself… China, Russia, America… All those dumbass men trying to rule the world, like, zip up we don’t need to know which is bigger…” Nami rubs Merry, their cat as she crawls onto her lap. “God, I’ve been so tempted to just kill him myself that idiot… I’d do it for free at this point.”

“But the question is, who would replace him?” Robin points out.

“True… Anyway! Let’s get to Baratie.” Nami says excitedly, displacing Merry. “Everyone’s gonna want to see you.”

Robin hesitates, “I’m not sure it would be a good idea to let the world know I’m still alive.”

She punches her shoulder, “Don’t be an idiot, you can let the rest of _them_ know, and then who knows! Maybe the entire world.”

“Fine.”

15 minutes later, decked in her jeans and shirt, 6 different pieces of weaponry stashed inside her clothes – 3 handguns, two knives and her trusty bo staff – she’s ready to go.

And Robin is too, considering the dress and heels – nondescript.

“Okay!” She says clapping her hands together (god Luffy must be rubbing off on her), “Let’s go.”

The small trip to the Baratie is only halted by one short pit-stop to fend off some idiot drunks who think that they’re some property. Tch, as if.

As they round the corner of the park Nami smiles, “Ah, what fond memories, remember that stupid guy that was trying to seduce you? Did we kill him?”

“No, I believe that Franky did.” Robin laughs.

It had been a hot day, but the fair had still gone on with its’ bright lights, circus tents, and greasy smell permeating the air. The Ferris Wheel scraped the sky as had other rides. Luffy had insisted they go on every single one, and who were they to resist their leader?

Naturally, Zoro and Sanji had had a competition of who could win Luffy the most prizes. It had been pretty even, but they both insisted that the other’s was smaller.

Brook, in his old age, had also joined them, and had spent the day kindly pick-pocketing haughty rich kids and their parents. And at the end of the night when they were all filled with as much greasy foods as possible, they’d lain out amongst the stars, smoking whatever Chopper got his hands on.

The kid was young, but he had talent. He didn’t approve of the brutal killings, but hey, whatever payed the rent. Either way, Chopper always patched them up and helped Usopp grow their quite extensive weed patch.

And after that had run out, Franky had shot up fireworks and Usopp concocted tales of long past adventurers.

Amongst those twinkling stars, that’s when Nami first kissed Robin, sweet and greasy, it felt _so_ much better under the influence than she had expected.

And from there, they progressed to the ‘honeymoon’ stage. But, they never really fell _out_ of that stage. Which is why it hurt so much when Robin ‘died’. Which meant they were going to be having _raunchy_ sex later. But who’s to call them out on that?

Naturally, they had slept there, laughing along with Luffy as he pointed out meat constellations and watching on in wonder as time passed along. But in the morning, a sleazy, hungover dude decided to spoil their fun by trying to get his way with Robin.

Franky, being the bulkiest “politely” (read: punched him firmly in the chest until something cracked) asked him to leave, and when that didn’t work, killed him. The body was still buried behind the Baratie and eventually the police called it a cold case.

Nami steps up to the fish-like building sitting quietly on the water, she knocks thrice, waits and rapidly knocks it ten times in succession.

The door opens to reveal Zoro, one hand on his katana. He nods his scarred head to her and slides his eyes to Robin. One green eye widens in surprise and he flings open the door, “What the fuck?”

“Surprise?” Robin asks cautiously.

Zoro’s eye twitches and moves aside muttering, “Shoulda bloody known she’d still be alive.”

As they move to the dining hall Nami hears Sanji yell at Luffy for trying to steal food again and the thud of yet another knife in yet another wall. However, they both know it missed, for Luffy laughs again.

“Oi, Luffy!” She calls. “Bring everyone here.”

Not even a minute later and the mop of grease appears around the side of the counter, doe eyes widen as he drinks in the sight of Robin. “Ehh?! Ghost!”

“I assure you, I am quite real Luffy.” Robin says and approaches the scarred man.

Immediately two well-muscled arms encircle her, bringing her closer to him, in return she slips her arms back around him. It’s not surprising to feel that he still has the flintlock pistol she gave him. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“Shishi! I’m glad you’re not actually dead. I mean, it’s kinda a shame because we already killed a bunch more politicians and stole their antiques, but I’m glad you’re here!” Suddenly he pulls back, a frown marring his face. “Where _were_ you?”

“I think we should wait until everyone’s here for that.” Nami says.

Luffy shrugs, “Zoro!”

“Yeah?” The swordsman asks lazily, apparently over the shock of seeing Robin alive and well.

“Go grab everyone yeah?”

“Don’t worry about that, the idiot would take an hour to find _Usopp_.” Sanji comments, cigarette blazing fiercely, his visible eye widens at the sight before him. “ _Robin-chwan_?!”

“In the flesh.”

“ _Oh ma Cherie!_ How I thought I’d never see you until _I_ died!” Sanji exclaims, depositing the assorted platter of cheeses and meats on the table.

“Fufu, I’m pleased we can meet on the mortal plane, Sanji.” She grins. “Be a dear and fetch everyone?”

“Anything for you, _my dear_.” And he twirls off in a whirlwind of hearts.

Luffy lounges on the stool, arms behind his back, the shirt lifting slightly, allowing her to catch a glimpse of the horrific burn scar spanning his entire chest.

She’s not dumb. She’s noticed the new scars on everybody, it’s just that Nami is better at hiding them. Though, it is certainly hard for a swordsman to hide a missing eye.

Speaking of Nami, she twists her body to find the red-head intently staring at her, “Jealous of Sanji?”

At that she snorts, “Me? Jealous of him? If anyone’s jealous, it’s him.”

“True. Only you tap this.” Robin laughs.

Eventually, everyone trickles into the room, taking in Robin’s form.

Franky and Chopper cry the most, but even they sit down with consolations that she will tell them the tale of great woes.

Sanji deals out drinks, two fingers of whiskey for her with the bottle to their side. Clearing her throat a little, she begins, “Well, obviously, I’m not dead. 3 years ago, a man named Crocodile came to be one of the Liberian Warlords, he was brutal and vicious and intent on obscuring history. I tried to stop him, and yet he stuck around, much like a cockroach. As all nasty men like him do, he threatened my small remaining family, thus, to protect you all and my mother, I feigned my own death, I didn’t expect to be gone for three years but… under the circumstances, I believe I handled it well.”

Silence reigns for a few seconds before Luffy giggles, “He’s dealt with, isn’t he? Ma, it’s such a shame.”

Robin tilts her head in acceptance. Out of all of them, Luffy was probably the most vicious when it came to protecting their little league of assassins, the lengths he was willing to go to protect them were unimaginable.

And just a little terrifying, she had seen him take down men three times his size with little more than his thumb. She had seen him at his worst and best. Luffy preferred to use his fists, but when needed, made an excellent foot soldier.

Usopp was their sniper and dealt with the drugs side of things. You wouldn’t see him anywhere without a minimum of four guns, ranging in total velocity, and with at least five sets of ammo, tucked away here and there.

He also teamed up with Franky when a quick tech job was needed and when the pair was together? They were unstoppable, they could destroy the world with nuclear codes if Luffy so desired. Because, none of them would _ever_ betray the man who had brought them all together.

Nami dealt with finance and could be a seductive little minx when she wanted to be. Primary choice of weapon was a bo staff, but she could also use a bayonet better than anyone in their current society.

When she wasn’t beating up people, she was among few that had an _actual_ job as a cartographer/artist.  

It was better to ask Franky what he _couldn’t_ use – out of all of them, he was the one who looked most like a biker, from his darkened hair (dyed from the original cyan) to his leather, piercings and tattoos, he was their rep. If there were truces to be held. As a cyborg, he held a lot of prestige and many had mistaken him for their leader more than once (at the detriment of their own health, mind you).

Chopper could hold his own if necessary, he was well trained in different streams of martial arts and extremely adaptable to his enemies. But, Luffy liked to keep him out of the spot-light as he was still only 16, the youngest of them all. As such he mostly hung around to patch them up.

Brook also helped out with the representation of them… they still hadn’t really decided whether they were a mafia or a league of assassins, because, well, they didn’t do much aside from work as mercenaries and assassins. It was more likely for them to be assassins though, as mercenaries sometimes got caught up in matters.

Anyway, Brook was also tenacious, dying hadn’t really stuck to him as displayed proudly by the almost scalping he survived and decapitation. He was a skilled fencer and could hold his own as well as any of them.

Zoro was loyal only to them, but if it truly came down to it… Luffy was his number one priority, as it had been from the day the depressed teenager had crossed him. Swords was his thing, namely three swords. Obviously, he always had two guns on him, but he also had the state of the art GPS tracker on him as he had a tendency to get lost…

Aside from Franky, he was the most intimidating of them all, covered in scars from head to toe with three piercings and a tattoo spanning his back of their mafia/assassins symbol. A grinning skull topped with a straw hat, it almost looked like a jolly roger ‘sides the missing cross.

Sanji… well, he was only effective on male organisations, which fortunately there were a lot of, because despite his profession, he still refused to hurt a woman. Trained by his so called ‘father’ as a child, he was brought up to be a ruthless killing machine.

But, his mother managed to get him out at the cost of her own life. Fortunately, he had been found by an ex-Mafia boss named Red-Foot Zeff who had taught him everything _he_ knew, but he had filled the gaps that Sanji’s ‘father’ never could.

And when he had died, Sanji was the sole inheritor of the ‘Baratie’, Zeff’s mafia headquarters that doubled as a restaurant for diners of all groups. Sometimes the chefs helped out with their nasty business.

Vivi, when she wasn’t busy trying to rule Egypt amongst the chaos, would sometimes send them grants to help them out. She _was_ Nami’s lover, way back when Nami was hired to assassinate Cobra, the current Prime Minister of Egypt and daughter of Cobra Nefertari and the first female Prime Minister of Egypt – it wasn’t quite as influential as Presidency, but it was definitely a step in the right direction.

Robin still doesn’t really know how it happened, but Vivi convinced her not to kill him… It had been such a large sum of money too… Oh well, Nami was with her now either way.

They obviously had a few allies too. You couldn’t know Luffy without befriending him, and to him, there was no difference between allies and friends. Such an example would be the Trafalgar family located in Hiroshima, they remained allies and if any of them desperately needed surgery, the one and only Trafalgar Law would be at their service.

Then there was her. Robin grew up escaping men. Her father in all of his brilliance, had thought that fighting in a World War would be the way to go and the next man her mother had consorted with had been abusive and Robin wanted no part of it.

Her mother was already trapped, like a fly in a web. So, fifteen years later and the man was dead, courtesy of yours truly and her mother didn’t need to know. Robin had (before her ‘death’) had a stable job as a part-time University Professor in Archaeology.

But one by one they trickled to the man in the straw hat with soulful eyes and open arms.

Later on, after they’ve exhausted the pot supply and finest alcohol, Robin and Nami sashay their way to their shared room at the Baratie, sliding under the covers together.

“Mm.” Nami says into Robin’s collarbone, “I’m so, _so_ glad you’re alive, Robin.”

Robin smiles and in response plays with her vibrant orange hair. “So am I, Nami.”


End file.
